Exclusive Interview with Laura Doyle, author of, "First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors"
- Angie Kjellberg
- Feb 23, 2016
- 6 min read
I have been a fan of author Laura Doyle since her first book, “The Surrendered Wife,” came out in 2001. That book changed my life in so many ways.
I am living proof that her philosophy regarding marriage is spot on; I've been living very happily by her guidelines for over 15 years. I am married to the man of my dreams today! It hasn’t always been like that. Our early marriage was a disaster, but after applying these skills to my life I have found we rarely fight anymore. I respect him and his choices and decisions and he loves me deeply and passionately.
I just finished reading her newest book, (actually listening to the audio book) “First, Kill all the Marriage Counselors: Modern-Day Secrets to Being Desired, Cherished, and Adored for Life” and I highly recommend it. Insightful and entertaining, it presents the philosophy found in “The Surrendered Wife” in a way that is sure to appeal to even the most modern of women.
I love that Laura included more of herself and her personal stories in this book. It made it much more relatable to me personally; even after all this time, there was much to learn and I felt reinvigorated and recommitted to surrendering to my husband. Laura had me belly laughing at some of the antics she pulled in her early marriage -- I could relate to all that stress and drama. You could say I’ve been there done that too. To be able to look back and see the role I played in my rocky marriage, and the power that I had to single-handedly turn things around, is empowering. I have been blessed to help spread this knowledge to hundreds of women over the years, through a group that I formed to support other wives wanting to improve their marriage -- that each of us are able to build long lasting intimate relationships if we are with one of the good guys.
I have had the distinct pleasure of getting to know Laura Doyle personally as a result of my group, and I wanted to ask Laura Doyle a few questions about her new book.
Has the media greeted this new book more positively than it did with the original Surrendered Wife? I remember all the talk shows back then criticizing your book as anti-women, clearly not having even read it. It seemed like it was hard to wade through that nonsense to talk about the actual content of the book.
No one’s called me crazy this time. There was a lot of controversy about The Surrendered Wife and there still is. Some people suspect Surrendered Wife means “Obedient Wife” or “Subservient Wife” when it’s just about how to stop telling your husband what to wear, how to drive and what to eat for lunch so that you can focus on your own happiness and regain the intimacy and connection.
I thought First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors would also cause some controversy, but it’s been surprising how people have just agreed with the title. Apparently the word is out that: marriage canceling" not the most helpful way to revitalize your marriage. The media has been much more positive for First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors, which is all about the Six Intimacy Skills. Show producers are even reading it and asking me to come back for another segment because they found it insightful. Perhaps this new book is more accessible than The Surrendered Wife in terms of the title.
Has there been a backlash from the therapist/marriage counseling community because of the title of your new book and because of your unwavering advice to NOT seek marriage counseling?
Some are definitely offended, but the bigger reaction we’re hearing from marriage counselors is, “You’re right, it doesn’t work for a couple to focus on their problems for an hour a week.”
In fact, the big secret is that we have marriage counselors reaching out to us and asking for help with their marriages. Sometimes they ask what my credentials are to teach women how to have playful, passionate marriages, and the answer is that I made my broken marriage magical again.
Some people take an academic approach to marriage—they study it in books and learn things in classrooms. This work was done in the trenches, with real women in real marriages and the Six Intimacy Skills really work.
The idea behind this book was to say, “Here is what works to revitalize a marriage. Here is what is tried and true with thousands of women all over the world.”
Most marriage counselors are good people who got in the business to help and they recognize that the Intimacy Skills are the real deal for creating passion and peace, and that’s what they wanted all along.
What made you decide on this title?
If things are going to improve we have to change the thinking, and one great way to change the way people think about things is with humor. So I stole Shakespeare’s joke about killing all the lawyers (there were no marriage counselors in his day) and it gets a big laugh when I say, “First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors.” But the crux of the book is really in the subtitle: Modern Day Secrets for Being Desired, Cherished and Adored for Life.
It seems a little extreme to kill marriage counselors, metaphorically, but I wanted to draw a big distinction between marriage counseling and relationship coaching. If your counselor doesn’t know the six Intimacy Skills, she won’t be able to teach them to you and then it’s just the blind leading the blind, even though she means well and wants the best for your relationship.
What advice do you give to the women who apply these intimacy skills but see no real change in the way their man treats them? Could he be a good guy but not HER good guy?
There’s a case study in First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors about a woman who said exactly that—that the skills improved things but she was still in a massive 10-year cold war with her estranged husband who lived under the same roof with her and their five kids. But it turned out she had neglected to apply one of the skills. When she did, bam—he completely turned toward her and now they’re grossing out those kids with all the physical affection.
I’ve seen some women implement the Intimacy Skills just from reading the books and have a complete transformation in their relationships, and I’ve seen other women have a hard time implementing the skills without a support system and accountability, but I’ve never really seen a case of a woman applying the Intimacy Skills with a good guy and not getting a good reaction from him. I’ve heard women say that and when we investigate it turns out there was a blind spot.
It makes sense to me because our husbands are mirrors of what we’re sending out. If my husband appears to be the biggest loser-face I’ve ever met, that has to do with my attitude, because I wouldn’t have married the biggest loser-face on the planet. I may need to focus on my happiness and come back with new perspecticles when I’m feeling better. If I think I’m so much more spiritual, evolved and mature than he is, well--that’s not very spiritual, evolved or mature of me.
It can be very hard to look in that mirror, but it’s also the most amazing, miraculous thing to see the reflection back is that you’re lovable, irresistible and beautiful. That’s what I see when women learn and practice the Six Intimacy Skills. That’s why we do it, and that’s why it’s worth it.
What a wonderful response to our questions. I want to give a big thanks to Laura Doyle. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with me.
I know applying the intimacy skills can be difficult at times and having a support system has been vital to the success of my relationship. At the end of the day we each live the best life we can and sometimes, even with a good guy, there will be difficulties. I would love to invite you to our private chat group, for women only, to help you learn the skills to build a Loving Respectful Relationship.
To connect message me on our Facebook page:
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